I feel like today I need to be more honest with you.
The internet gives off a strange illusion — the illusion that everyone’s life is utterly perfect. Instagram is filled with filtered pictures of sunsets and everyone showing off their pearly whites. Facebook is cluttered with wedding planning, pictures of weddings, baby bumps, date nights, girls’ nights, vacations, partying, trivia nights, family get-togethers. Blogs are filled with grossly happy people, documenting how perfect every minute of their days are, dotted with the beauty of their children, their bffs, or macho “hubbys”. Everything is pristine. Everything is remarkably perfect.
Everyone looks so. damn. happy.
I’m guilty of it, too. I pull out my camera when the light is just right and feel thrilled when I post a pretty sunlight picture, or a photo of me and Chris blissfully happy on one of our day trips, or a heart-melting picture of my niece or nephew, or the cupcakes I recently baked. It makes me feel like I belong in this bubbling world. That I’m just as happy as everyone else I see. That my life is just as perfect.
But can I be perfectly honest?
Life is a struggle. My life is not perfect. My happiness does not last 24 hours a day, every day, every week. I have my wonderful days. But I also I have my dark days.
The days where I feel my basement apartment is suffocating me, where life is suffocating me, to the point where I end up hyperventilating.
The days where I feel so disconnected from humanity, I end up digging myself into a hole, and wonder how I’ll ever get out of it.
The days where I think, “I am 26. My life is disappearing. And what have I even accomplished? I should write a book. I should get some photos published. I should travel more before I get too old and/or have kids.”
The long days of debilitating loneliness where I work all day alone, and come home and spend my evenings alone, too.
The days I fear I am losing my friends.
The days I hate my body and want to smash my scale with a sledge hammer.
The days I hate being poor and want nothing more than to never have to worry about money again.
The days I want to rip my knee out and stomp on it and toss it and all of my physical imperfections aside.
The days where tears come too easily, where one negative thought turns into a snowball of negativity after negativity.
The days when the sun is shining, but I only see clouds.
The days where social situations sets off a flurry of anxious emotions, and if I’m not hosting a party, I struggle with how to act around others if I can’t be in the kitchen.
The days where I hate the kitchen and food and my struggle with my preoccupation with weight.
Those days I don’t document. I don’t post the gray void that clouds my vision. I’m ashamed of those days. I feel guilty on those days. I drag my husband down. I drag my family down. I drag my friends down.
But at the same time, I am so grateful. My life is full of people that love me, that help me when I feel so alone. They help me to see past the dark and step into the light that I post online with such fervor. My loved ones often help me realize that life does have many dips and valleys and turns, but it’s the angular and jagged twists in life that make it interesting — and gratifying.
You aren’t the only one that feels like you’re lost once in a while. Just because most people do not document their darkest moments to the world wide web does not mean they don’t exist. But it also means that when you get caught up in what feels like a giant tornado of sadness, you are not alone. It’s OK to be sad once in a while. Everyone has their struggles.
But it’s also OK to ask for help. If you’re stuck in a ditch somewhere, never be afraid to reach out for someone’s hand. Many people are capable of helping you see past all this.
And those are My Two Cents for today…